Why Words Hurt You - Mind's Blind Spot
Let’s challenge an assumption today. Surely you have heard this nursery rhyme before.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me
And - If words didn’t hurt, then why do child abuse victims say things like “the harsh sarcastic words that my mom said in my childhood still echo in my head - and I am 84”? It’s because we have associated the concept of “hurt” with physical pain. Things like a black eye, or a broken arm Let’s shift thinking about the meaning of “hurt” . This will make it easier to see how words can hurt. Words can cause changes in a part of your physical structure - but you’re never going to “feel” it as if you stepped on a sticker. We have a blind spot in our self-protection mechanisms.
Words Like “You Made Me” Do Hurt You Physically
Your Mind’s Blind Spot
Physical pain results when your nervous system detects an intrusion or compression of a body part and the nervous system sends an electrical signal to your brain. The nervous system itself is made up of two parts: the brain and the spinal cord (central nervous system) and the peripheral nervous system (sensory and motor nerves) These two systems tell us what is happening in our limbs and skin and other body parts.
We also have are special receptors in many of our body parts that serve as sensors. The nervous system then transmits those signals up the spinal cord “wire” to the brain that interprets it, and packs that response away with other memories and response. Read how we feel pain.
So when words hurt us, our brain does not get a signal to tell our body to protect itself. It does not tell us to pull away - like how we instantly pull back from a hot burner when our hand comes too close. . So we stay. And we stay. Think how long it takes a victim of verbal abuse to leave their abuser. Some never do.
So where is pain’s blind spot? The nervous system itself does not detect pain inside the brain because there are no receptors in either the white or the gray matter. So if white matter gets ‘hurt’ you won’t be able to feel that. And when it gets hurt, it will operate like an electrical wire that gets melted in a fire - you will get sparks everywhere.
White Matter is a Structure
We take for granted that we can plug our electrical devices into the outlet on the wall and they will work. Behind that wall is a long series of interconnected wires that bring the electricity to the plug. What do you think would happen if a rat chewed through one of your electrical cords inside the wall? Would that wire work anymore to feed the plug? Probably not. It is more likely that you would either have a malfunctioning plug, or you would have a bad fire in your house.
White matter is a lot like the wires inside our walls. Only white matter is provides wires inside our head. Wires made up of cells that can change based on the conditions around it. Like a rat chewing through an electrical cord, physical reactions to neurochemicals in our brains can literally “chew through” our white matter or make it less “dense” - these things can then and make some transmission paths more prominent than others. And like in a house, the result can be a fire. In the case of a person - those sparks can yield someone who becomes dependent on a substance, or someone who always reacts with fear or anger.
So what causes neurochemicals to generate in your mind? Words. Images. Touches. Anything we detect with any of our senses. So the repetitive words uttered by a spouse against their partner can cause neurochemicals to generate and these further cause damage to white matter circuits. If there is a smell in the air, that will also get associated along with your experience into your mind and unfortunately it can stored as a “trigger” that will produce an immediate habitual response when you encounter that trigger again.
Let Your Own Light Shine - Work On Responding More Productively to Your Triggers
What To Do About It?
When you experience verbal abuse, your mind’s response patterns can become trapped inside a ritual of responding to the echoes of your former abuse or your former situation. This ritual has been most likely been empowered by white matter damage. One trigger - a sight, sound, smell or place can cause the bad experience to pour back out.
That ritual response is what you need to change to feel better - and there will be nothing “easy” about changing it. While it does not appear that your white matter can “change back” - your mind is built to be adaptable, and it can create another way to work around its situation.
In our next article, we’ll write about what brain structures and processes store those rituals - and how to work on responding differently to those triggers.
